Whitburn Academy 4.8.2

Reviews

1 ★, on 2017-09-08
Unfortunately, I was unaware of these reviews before consuming satan's little death bears. After reading that these little jewels were made in Austria, I imagine a rouge Nazi chemical weapons scientist escaped to austria after the war and set up shop making unsuspecting masses suffer for their defeat. My experience started like many others, some customer dropped off some bags of these for Christmas, after looking at them for the better part of a month I decided to eat some. The first day I had about 20-25 of them, that night i experienced some slight discomfort and crazy dreams , but I did not associate it with the demon spawn gummy bears. The next day, I had about a handful more of these delicious little devils and all hell broke loose. After several short trips to the bathroom and gas noises like I have never heard coming from my stomach before, I decided to head home, but first stop by the store to pick up some antacids. Just as I got inside my local grocery store it hit me, I broke out in a cold sweat, my hands were clammy and the pain from my lower intestine was unreal, it felt as if Satan himself was reaching inside of me and spinning my intestines on his finger. I was around ten isles away from the back corner where the public bathroom was located when Satan's little helpers let me know I was not going to make it there. I immediately started to walk like I was trying to hold a golf ball between both knees and waddle to the back isle all the time praying I could keep my sphincter closed long enough. Those ten isles might as well been ten miles, it was not going to wait, about this time I spied another pair of doors marked employees only and pushed my way inside. I saw a small bathroom for employees and went straight to it, all the while a stock boy is trying to stop me and tell me I can't use it. I stiff arm him from my football days and say in what must have sounded like a demonic voice from hell " I'm sick, back off". To my immediate relief I got the door shut and locked just in time for Mt. St Helen's to blow, Unfortunately ,I was not able to sit fast enough before spraying the back wall and toilet tank with a putrid black paint. At that exact moment, I did not even care, I was so relieved to have this sewage pouring out of me so violently that I could have levitated off the seat of the toilet if I wasn't holding on to the handicapped bars for dear life, I swear there are probably small dents in the stainless steel bar where my fingers were. After what seemed like an hour, I felt safe enough to stand and start the long clean up process, to my horror, I looked down to notice two mostly empty rolls of toilet paper. Are you freaking kidding me? This is a grocery store with pallets of toilet paper, right? After several minutes of trying to macgyver a solution, my only option was to ask the poor soul who had been knocking on the bathroom door for the last thirty minutes to please get me some paper. In retrospect, I should have asked for a dozen boxes of baby wipes as well. After doing my best to clean what I could, I made my hasty retreat. I never understood how someone could spray fecal mater on a wall until now, clearly they had some of these delicious spawn from hell. I can never go back in this store as I am sure they all have some grainy picture from their video system taped to all the registers, with my picture on it, as the guy who horribly desecrated their beloved employee bathroom. Thanks Haribo, now I have to shop at the more expensive store down the street, I can never show my face in their again, I am still the guy the new employees get told about to watch for, sorta an Urban legend by now. Read these reviews with skepticism if you must, but if I had seen them they would have saved my three days of my life. I still have some kidney pain but I am making a full recovery. I would not wish these on my worst enemy. You are warned!